My mind went off on a tangent as it is wont to do. I recently read an article on why we daydream, and whether it can be good for us.
I was daydreaming myself earlier, and I thought about this article. Mostly, what started me off was thinking what, exactly, was the difference between a "hoarder" and a "packrat." In my head, there is a slight difference. A "packrat" may hold on to "stuff" for too long, but can toss it out when necessary. A "hoarder" is that crazy person you see on TV.
Anyway, I would say I have a borderline packrat personality. For a person who can't stand paper or clutter, I tend to let a lot of it take up my life unnecessarily. Then I thought of how I once read that someone who has a clutter issue also has a "procrastination" issue, and all clutter represents is a manifestation of procrastination.
I got to thinking this because I had been putting off a semi-quick project for a while. When I first moved to the apartment I'm in now, I famously tried my hand at being handy by putting together an armoire. I lost. It looked okay for about four minutes before shit started falling apart. It had two bottom drawers along with two doors. I've hated it since day one. For a long time, I was left to just one door and one drawer, but now they are both gone. This was part of my procrastination problem. This meant I had to empty out the drawer and put the remains in a plastic bin. Who wants to do that when there's real stuff to blow off, like dusting?
So my motivation is that I have a guest coming to town, and she's staying with me. I'm also hosting a party in a few weeks. As I told my husband, we should probably straighten up so my friend doesn't actually think we're used to living in a trailer park.
So while our clothes are in the dryer as I write this, I start the transfer. The irony is that it was relatively painless. I even got rid of some stuff -- you know, like the single socks that I SWORE I'd find its partner at some point. Some underwear and tops I no longer use. Was that so hard?
So now I can toss the bottom drawer out (well, when my cat gets out of it anyway). Then my mind started to wander, and I thought -- why did it take me so long? And why did I live like that for such a long time?
Better yet, why am I holding onto a crappy armoire that is literally on its last legs (a door hanging on a thread that I ended up just screwing off the hinges after wondering why I hadn't done it yet)?
The evolution of my thoughts went there. See, when you're living in a city, you're expected to move around. I think I've bear the average by staying here for over three years.
I haven't replaced the armoire because I may move. I keep telling myself till I get too lazy and just sign the lease to stay another year to avoid moving. I hate the armoire a lot but I hate moving more. I could replace it...but then when I do move, what if my replacement doesn't fit? I mean, isn't this just a waste of time and money? (At least the armoire was a waste of my time putting it together.)
The quandary is circular.
But then, I started to think, well, why haven't I moved? Besides the fact that I've moved six times in the past 13 years. Not to mention all those years I was in college, moving back and forth twice a year. There's also this thing called a lease. It's good for a few months.
The next question is -- why haven't I bought a home? Well, I'm a commitment phobe (just don't tell my husband). I'm afraid when I commit to a home, something better will come along.
There. I said it.
Then I tell myself, I'm also missing out on a place that could be better than where I live now.
But then I'd have to throw all the shit I've accumulated out before I do that.
Then I just had this circular reasoning about this whole thing. I don't want to move because I hate it. I should buy but I rent, and that's what I do in New York. I've told some friends that I see myself buying soon. But I'd hate to move just move again. But that's what I keep on doing.
Can you see why I even blow off dusting?
This is the trouble I get into for dreaming out loud. See, Bono once sang, "You can dream/So dream out loud/And you can find/Your own way out."
I suppose I'll find my own way out eventually. But now, I've got just a shell of an armoire that I once was proud of building, but now eager to toss out with the rest of the clutter in my life and in my head.